I'm just trying to help

Tips to cope with the current health crisis

- Manage your stress

Just don't manage it too loudly, or else your neighbors will call the police and complain about the shouting, the crashing dishes, the crying and the whimpering.

- Get your exercise

Just don't actually touch the workout equipment with your bare skin, in case the person who used it before you had swine flu, bird flu, common flu, SARS, an STD, hanta virus, halitosis or PMS. This week, EVERYTHING is contagious, and EVERYTHING is on equal footing with the Black Death. That includes seasonal allergies and tension headaches, people.

- Eat a sensible diet

Just make sure your sensible diet isn't made up of any foods that were found this week to be contaminated with E. coli or salmonella. Wash all your produce thoroughly. With bleach, if you're OCD (then throw it away, because you can't eat it after it's been bleached, silly).

- Wash your hands

And don't touch ANYTHING or ANYONE afterward. If you do, you MUST wash your hands again. And again. Spray everything with Lysol, too. EVERYTHING. If you have a biohazard suit hanging out in the back of your closet, dust if off and wear it with pride (unless a recall was issued this week for your particular brand of biohazard suit).

- Memorize (or refresh yourself on) the Romans Road, the 'Bridge' and the Plan of Salvation

This is a great time to brush up on your street preaching skillz, since people everywhere are convinced that they're going to die this week. It might as well be the end of the world. Invest in sandwhich boards. Use public fountains for baptisms.

- Build an underground bunker

Wear a World War II-era gas mask for travel to your bunker, set the time locks for thirty years and get used to fluorescent lighting and pray that you don't fight with any of your bunkermates. You should watch "Blast from the Past" for more tips on this procedure, especially to nail down the lingo you'll need to use when you emerge into the new, alien world in three decades.

- Get married

If your life's ambition is to tie the knot before you kick the bucket, you'd better get moving. End of the world, people! You can't afford to be picky with mere hours remaining in which to accomplish your life goals.