Pain in the ... ribs

So I have this pain.

In my ribs.

And as far as I know, it just appeared last night, feeling like someone had decked me real hard in the middle section of my ribs. I hadn't done anything to warrant such a pain, and I spent the majority of the night clutching a heating pad to my side like a talisman and reading the only medical source I own -- a 1970s-era American Heritage Dictionary. I now know where my liver is located and what a Douay Bible is ... and that's about it.

Still hurts, though. A bit less, but it still hurts. I'd like to think that coffee helps. I like to imagine that coffee helps everything.

Enter WebMD.

After clicking "yes," "no," "maybe," "I don't know," "before this," "after that," twirling three times and shouting "Hail Mary!" ... WebMD told me that I could have any one of about 20 problems, ranging from gas pains to colon cancer to heart attack (female). I really appreciated the distinction of the (female) heart attack.

Yippee.

Seriously.