Toast to a jackass

First, what I'm happy about on Valentine's Day:

I'm happy to have friends who will eat lasagna with me.

I'm genuinely happy for a best bud who has a date tonight.

I'm happy to have had the chance to spend yesterday with old friends.

Happy Valentine's Day.

But jackasses abound, and here's a toast to a doozy:

To the rat bastard who dumped my friend the freaking day before Valentine's Day: May you run out of gas — right next to an angry mama moose. May your coffee be bitter, may your steak be burned. May shampoo get in your eyes during your shower, may you nick yourself while shaving. May you have the slowest, grouchiest cashier at the grocery store. May everything you encounter in life be "difficult" and inescapable, so you finally have to strap your balls on and deal with something. May this be the loneliest, bitterest, most pathetic Valentine's Day you've ever experienced, living in your parents' basement and without one of the most amazing women God ever placed on the earth. May you get the kind of woman you truly deserve, because you never deserved my friend — you never even tried to deserve her.